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Reunions and Limousines

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Reunions and Limousines
 
By Nick Jurkowski
 
High School reunion season is rolling around again in Miami as well as everywhere else. It’s that magical time of year when you get to hang out with all the people in high school you’ve forgotten you disliked, and measure your life against theirs to figure out who has won. If you are legitimately wildly successful, you’ll have no problems – just showing up in your helicopter will be enough to show all those mouth-breathers what became of you. There is a bit of an art to convincing all those around you that your life is the best, and, lucky for you, I am an expert on being a charlatan. Here are some tips to make all of your former acquaintances think you are the next J.P. Morgan, or at least a psychopath who wears a top hat and a monocle.
 
 
Naturally, you’ll have to dress well and arrive with pomp. Note that people will naturally hate and mistrust anyone who they think is “putting on airs” in an attempt to bamboozle the crowd into thinking that they are the most successful. This will lead to a delicate balancing act where you must attempt to not be trying to impress people – a difficult proposition, given the fact that you are. There are a few personae that you can adopt in order to facilitate the illusion.
 
The Rich Jerk persona:

This is an easy one, because it requires no tact or care (offending may even be part of what you’re after). Spring for a big limousine (from Millenium Limo, perhaps?) and look as affluent as possible. Bring a caravan, filled to the brim with spices and silks, the likes of which the serfs who you went to high school with have never seen. Practice your rich-guy laugh. You get the picture.
 
The Ironic Rich Guy persona:

Though you will use the same props as the persona above, there are some subtle but important differences between these two personae. In the ironic variant, you will make sure that people know you aren’t serious. Be very jovial and travel with a troupe of jive-talking tumblers. Make the act be so ridiculous that no one can take it seriously, but be visible and extravagant enough that people will understand that your quality of life is better than theirs. Leave the caravan at home.
 
The Actual Rich Guy:

This only works if you are actually rich. In this case, you go to the reunion as yourself, and maintain an aura of coolness that makes former enemies shrink from you in hushed awe, and draws former flames to you like a powerful magnet. Use limos and palanquin-bearing eunuchs at your discretion.
 
The Fake Actual Rich Guy:
You may say that most of these personae fall into this category, but this one is special, and requires a level of subtly not necessary for most of these. It’s just like the entry immediately above, minus the actual money. You will have to have a polished act, and have every response to every conceivable question thought out in advance. Not recommended.
 
Hopefully this starts you on your way to playful deceit and success in the eyes of your former peers. Pretending to be a wealthy lunatic is a glamorous proposition, and worthy of thought and planning. Have a good time, and show them all who’s a success!